but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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