I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
