theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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