I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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