In America we eat man semen.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
