Your mouth is God's brothel.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
