remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
