Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
