The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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