I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
