break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
