i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
