yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
