He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
