Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
