I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
