mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
