I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
