the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
