I just pynch a tree in the face
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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