you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
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How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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