all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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