i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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