The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I need water and some morals
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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