Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
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How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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