Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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