is your mom at the bar?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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