I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just threw up on my dentist
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
