Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
