Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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