I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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