i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
