He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
How's work?
Spinning.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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