I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
