I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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