is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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