I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
