just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
