I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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