I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
