3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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