No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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