ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
