Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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