This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
