Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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