youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
