Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
