I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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