Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
false alarm, still single
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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