everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
