i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
