we have pet lesbian snakes
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
