I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
