saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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