the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
