I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This is not my ceiling
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
