my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
