Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
