I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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